To my favorite Valentine

Well, here we are.

It’s three A.M. and sleepless we stand here face to face, eye to eye again…simply staring. For as far back as I care to remember I could look into those eyes and see nothing but the love, true contentment and that sarcastic sparkle at the joy of the secrets of your own creation and the mysteries that were only for you to know. Most of all though I saw the one person I always cherished more than any other. Now as we meet again, I see how tired you are. You look at me and study me with the same scrutiny and I see the displeasure there. I look at you and I see the discontentment, the sadness and even resentment in your eyes.

How have you come to this?

How did I come to this?

If I look long enough I see the glimmer of who you were. My great dreams and desires reflecting back to me, even if they are slightly faded they are still there. I know there is no one else to blame for this loss, the love and revere that once lived in those eyes slipping to cold resentment. I did this to us. You know it; I can see it there in your eyes.

I miss you and would give anything to have you returned to me, the way you were. I want to be bold and tell you things will change, get better and this will be the year everything falls into place. Before I can even speak the words aloud to you I see the look on your face that says “don’t”. How many pep talks have I given you standing here? Hundreds, at least, and though I have pulled us through on so many of them I know I have let us down just as many times. You know this time is different though. That gleam of confidence is hidden behind all the frustration and doubt this time. I am shaken and not confident we are going to make it through this one, your face tells me you feel the same.

There are no tears, just sadness and reconciliation to another round of disappointment. We will do everything we can to make it through this mess together but as I reach up and smooth that crazy little strand of your hair that never sets right, I see the fear. Maybe this Valentine’s Day you need someone else to talk to because I can comfort you no more.

Maybe one day you’ll love me like you used to, more than anyone in the world and I’ll be your number one again. Tonight though I can offer you no comfort and you break my heart to look at.

So I turn off the lights… and walk away from the mirror.